Does Your Partner’s Gender Affect Your Art?
Some time ago I asked online how people felt gender roles played into the amount of support shown for their artistic endeavors. The question came from some anecdotes by other writers and the different ways their partners encouraged and helped them. Or didn’t.
One of the things I’ve noticed is how much
emphasis men tend to put on finances. Even when they’re saying, “I don’t write for
the money!” it’s obviously on their mind. Women can share this sentiment, but
typically in a very pragmatic sense. “Stop pirating my books! I need to pay the
light bill!”
Men are more likely to ask me how much I make
from my artwork and writing. They are more likely to ask why I’m doing it when
I reveal that I’m not getting a profit from a project (like the literary journal I
ran for five years). They are also more likely to worry about being successful
in a monetary sense, or ostentatiously reject the importance success in a monetary sense.
Many guys will be the first to say they will feel like failures if they’re not
making enough money period where women are more likely to evaluate their
credibility via other means. Men, it seems to be agreed, feel an intense
pressure to be business savvy.
This has two outcomes. I find that male writers
tend to be more polar in their success. They tend to push themselves harder and
end up with more to show… or they quit completely.
There are far, far
more female novelists than male. For one thing, men tend to be drawn towards
screenwriting over books, it seems. I imagine this is possibly because of the
higher rewards, also possibly because men tend to be more visual. But I also
have noted, anecdotally, that male peers are more likely to disappear off the
face of the earth. They are also more likely to go balls to the wall, submit,
publish, and self-promote in a speedier and more aggressive time-frame. Women
are more likely to grow slowly and keep at it. They are more likely to continue
their career for many years despite not yielding huge rewards.
These are all
generalizations, of course, nothing you can count on. But it does beg the
question of how much gender plays a role in your morale. I started to hear
stories from men who were mostly worried about how their writing career
couldn’t sustain a family, what would they do if they couldn’t make it? Male
writers seemed to be on their own, not considering the possibility their wife
could do the heavy lifting financially.
When I wrote about a
woman who didn’t like her boyfriend’s work, I received a response from an
older man who suggested she should just break up with him. The blog described
her confusion about how to handle his decision to pursue his dreams when he
wasn’t that good of a cartoonist. He had some savings, they were completely
financially independent of each other, and he was going to really try to make
it work. My thoughts were that she should be supportive as long as he’s not
screwing himself or her over. My older reader’s were that she shouldn’t waste
her time with him.
How would it be if
the genders were reversed? How many men (or women) would tell a guy to break up
with a girl who decided to become a starving artist instead of an accountant?
Funnily enough, my
Facebook post on gender roles did not illicit this complaint on financial
support at all. All the male writers who responded interpreted it as a question
of gender roles in the home, talking about how equal their household chores were, while all the female writers knew exactly what I
actually meant.
While men didn’t
seem to question or praise the amount of support their wives gave them, the
women felt like men were disinterested in their passions or hobbies (some women
went out of their way to explain, “I know it’s not that important but…”).
This was pretty
accurate to the complaints I was getting beforehand. I’ve never had a boyfriend
read my work. They all offered, of course, but never went through with it. My
first relationship ended because we worked together on a play and he was so
disrespectful I could never see him in the same light again. My last ex would
correct me on things in condescending ways, like when I said that I would be
finished with this one book by a certain point, he asked, “How can you be
finished with something?” in order to remind me that real art is never done!
You know, instead of hearing my actual point.
It’s interesting
that men don’t seem to acknowledge both the amount of support or the lack of it
from their partners. From what I’ve read, people of all genders often feel
underappreciated for the work that they do in a relationship (it’s a major
cause of divorce). I mean, a lot of the emotional maintenance that women do is
pretty subtle, but why don’t men noticed when they’re not getting something that they would offer up themselves? Do they not notice? Not care? Perhaps they don't know how to identify and verbalize what's missing? Or, do they not
feel they have the right to talk about it?
Over all, I do feel
like the quintessential female when it comes to my boyfriend’s work. I go out
of my way to read what they write, see what they’re in, help them learn lines, give feedback,
encourage their enthusiastic conversation, and I haven’t yet found someone I
considered to be a good team player when it came to my projects. On the other
hand, up until recently, I never truly concerned myself with being broke
because I figured by the time kids rolled around, we’d be a two-income
household; he would likely make more money than me and my lack of business intelligence would be less relevant. Now that I’ve recognized
and accepted the possibility of never getting married or having a family in
that way, I’ve grown more fixated on money myself, making a living off of my
work has become more important.
How much does gender
play into your decision making? The expectations of your partner? From them?
I’ve learned that
being around supportive and caring people can drastically alter your mental
state and even your level of inspiration. Regardless of your gender, there’s a
good chance that some sexist expectations are being forced on you and are truly
hurting your ability to create. Financial responsibility on men or the absence
of cheerleading for women are some of the biggest pratfalls of any artist’s
relationship.
Does the gender of
your partner affect how much support you get? Probably. Even if you’re very
content with the situation, it might be useful to sit back and reflect. You
might realize that they’re offering you far more than what most people would
expect. If that’s the case, do something nice for them as a way to say thanks.
You might realize that they’re not doing what you need and that you can, in
fact, change it. You also might come to the shocking conclusion that you aren’t
being as helpful as you could be, or are neglecting them unintentionally.
I’m interested in
hearing more about people’s experiences. If you have a rant, an argument, or an
insight, please share it! Email me at info.daveler@gmail.com,
or comment on Facebook with your experiences with your artistic endeavors and relationships.
If you liked this post, want to support, contact, stalk, or argue with me, please consider...
Liking Charley Daveler on Facebook
Following What's Worse than Was
