Am I Making This Serious Mistake? Probably!
(But
Chill Out Anyway)
I hate thinking. Probably because I
over think.
I tried to leave my day job about
three times before I finally lost it. That’s not including the numerous solutions
I tried to implement to make the job more bearable and more akin to what I
actually wanted.
I’ve never been good at breaking
things off with someone. I don’t like deciding what I want to eat for dinner.
In part because I despise food and everything about it. Despite knowing what I
want, despite being good at going for it, thinking too hard has proven to be
the pain of my existence.
Make all the jokes you want, but I
literally get a headache from thinking too much. Tension headaches, to be precise.
March marks six months out from
Making the Horizon’s publication date. This means the book goes up for preorder,
the cover is revealed, the blurb must be finalized, and the due date for the
trailer is quickly barreling its way over me. I’m getting the manuscript back
from my editor today and will spend the next few weeks trying to get the plot
line, characters, and voices all in order.
Somehow, I need to have all my shit
together. Be organized? Know what’s next? Be sure my priorities are correct?
I don’t like it.
So last week I was dealing with paperwork
and preplanning, and I misunderstood something major, made a pretty big mistake
that I was not able to immediately fix. I realized what I had done right away,
but I had to wait 24 hours to hear back from the important people. They were
less than helpful, citing proper protocol. So, in the middle of the night,
having woken from a stress induced nightmare, I typed an email I knew they
wouldn’t respond to until at least six hours later, and waited with in insane
hopes they might happen to reply anyway.
Funny thing is, I knew what was
going to happen: they would fix it manually for me and all would be okay. If
they didn’t, I already had a valid backup plan.
Yet, it stressed me out until I
knew for sure that my mistake hadn’t caused some massive fees and issues.
Why?
Because I’m a nutcase, I guess.
Risk taking it terrifying not
because we’re afraid of failure, but because we’re afraid of having to deal
with shit. Bureaucracy is already a pain in the neck on the best days, and when
it’s your own human error that forces you to take an extra two hours, it’s as
if the frustration has gone from a monkey on your back to a giant dragon
heaving steam down your neck and watching your stupid decisions over your shoulders.
People make mistakes. We fix them.
Rarely is something so tremendously huge that it will destroy you. And those
things that do? They take time to grow.
So, as my professor in college used
to say, “Fuck it.” If thinking is giving you a headache, you’re probably doing it
too much.
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