Nope. No New York
Henrik Ibsen was a playwright who focused on the concept
of the pipedream and how people lied to themselves to get through their dreary
lives. It’s a common theme for theatre, shows like The Iceman Cometh and Death
of a Salesman hinging on the failure of those goals. The pipedream, in my
mind, is different than the failed dream because the dreamer has always known
in the back of his mind that it will never happen. This is why if you ever want
someone to leave you alone, the quickest route is to say, “You want to write
something for my lit journal/take a cover photo/act in my theatre production?”
and you’ll never hear from them again. Pipedreamers won’t flee from the first
step.
You know what I hate most about pipedreams? People determining
that that’s what your goals are
really. They don’t take you seriously when you say you’re going to do
something, and no matter how determined you are, that lack of faith will always
bring you down. In my life I’ve actively tried to do whatever I say I’m going
to do because I want people to take me seriously.
With that, it’s very hard to admit that after all I’ve
said, I’m not moving to New York. Not now anyway.
It was not a pipedream. I was actually going to do it. My
stuff is sitting around me in boxes. I bought audio books for the drive. I’ve
made temporary living arrangements and plans to meet with people, tepidly sold
my car. I was going to go.
But shit happens.
I’m, unfortunately, not going to explain what exactly occurred
that changed my mind because it doesn’t involve just me, and if I’m going to
gossip it should be like God intended and kept strictly behind their backs
without text-based evidence to screw me later. Believe me, if it was just my
life, I’d be all over boring you with
every inane and sarcastically colored detail.
Something changed, and so with it, my mind. Honestly, if
you’ve read my other blogs on the subject, you will probably be able to put
two-and-two together. But that’s all I’ll say for now.
But I want everyone who supported me (which I really
appreciated) to know this: I am happy with my decision. There are negatives to
staying, but there were negatives to going. My choice to move was based on a
whim. “I’m unhappy. I need to do something about it. What are my options?” I do
think I would like New York, but I’m pretty cheerful now anyway. Which was
pretty much all I wanted.
And I don’t see it as being off the table. Now is pretty
much the easiest time in my life for me to go, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t
be able to later if I decide to. I’m not worried.
In the end there’s only two things that bother me about
this decision: One, that I have to admit that all my talk is now officially
white-noise, and two, how long can I avoid unpacking again?
