People Who Get Rejected Frequently Have the Same Attitude
Before we begin,
let’s start with one very important question: Do you actually get rejected, or
do you just not get accepted? Because if you’re like me and avoid putting
yourself out there, you really shouldn't be crying in the corner about how no one likes you. Suck it up and get it out there.
They introduce themselves by criticizing.
“Wow! You have way
too much free time on your hands!”
begins an author asking me to interview him.
It was a sort of
backhanded compliment. He was impressed with the amount of work I’ve done while
acting like that must mean I have less of a life than him. Surprisingly, this
didn’t say to me, “I’m a charming, hardworking guy.”
To hear others tell
it, this happens all too frequently. Whether it be job interviews, story
submissions, or even romantic pursuits, many people start by announcing what
their gatekeeper is doing wrong.
Why?
I’ve felt the
compulsion to do this. Negativity is interesting. When I go out of my way to
engage with someone and am searching for topics, it’s really easy to discuss
differences of opinions. It’s possible to do this right too, and there are some
who believe that it’s an easy way in when dealing with someone insecure.
But typically, it’s
just starting out on the wrong foot. Acting superior to the other person isn’t
going to endear them to you, and I personally don’t want to deal with someone
who doesn’t know the time and place for criticism. You also are taking a risk
because you don’t know the factors that went into the decision, proving how
naïve you are. While it could make you look like you know what you’re doing, it
can also backfire; people who know what they’re doing don’t need to prove it.
If you do have
ideas for what a person or company could change, save it for when you’ve gotten
on more familiar terms and better understand the factors they’re working with.
They don’t understand how things work.
Unrealistic expectations
can be really frustrating even when you’re not directly dealing with them. What
is it about delusion that rubs people the wrong way?
It’s important to
have an idea of what the other person has to consider, especially because it
will help you not take rejection so personally. If you’re going to be working
together, they don’t need to be explaining to you that setbacks are normal.
Anyone who thinks it’s going to be easy is likely to be very difficult to work
with; they’re more likely to get demoralized, accusing the agent or publisher
of not doing their job, and simply be unpracticed in how to best handle bad
situations.
Knowing the
industry will tell you when to be pushy and when to back off. People with
ridiculous expectations will make outrageous demands. The most diva-like
behavior comes from those new to the field.
And, besides that
your attitude will be a hazard, there’s also the fact that people want to work
with someone who can hold their own weight.
They only think what the other person can do for them.
Acceptance isn’t
worth much if there’s no investment. Demanding someone’s energy and time is
obviously a selfish act, but it can be symbiotic in the long term. Most
importantly, you don’t want your existence to be a burden, at the bare minimum.
It shouldn’t make their life worse than being on their own.
The other day I
listened to a conversation between two guys about dating. One suggested that
three obvious things the other could do to be more appealing to women: 1.
Better hygiene. 2. Get some hobbies. 3. Go to the gym.
The other guy went
off, claiming women were shallow with their clinical checklists. Why not just
like him for him?!
But would he want
to date someone who smell bad, looks bad, and had nothing interesting to say?
People who get
rejected a lot tend to think they should get accepted for what they already
have naturally. They don’t critically evaluate competition, or put themselves
into the shoes of the other person. Instead they see rejection as this unfair
judgement passed down on their total worth.
You’re a team, and
you want your best players. In the same way you shouldn’t just accept anyone
just because they have a couple of good qualities, you should expect to fill a
certain role in their lives yourself. You should you try to make yourself
useful in your interactions. More commonly, you need to recognize what you can
already offer others.
They don’t take pride in their work.
In this day and
age, you can judge a book by its cover. Self-publishers often out themselves as
lazy through the easily viewed, superficial aspects they cut corners on. They
claim that these things should not matter, that the story itself is all that
matters, but because superficial things are the easiest to see, it means that
it would be the easiest to fix. If you’re not solving obvious errors in your
work, it’s unlikely that you’re solving the more subtle and abstract ones.
Regardless of your
situation, you always want to make people think you care. I recognize that a
lot of current trends paint apathy as power, and often “cool,” but apathy tends
to make you a difficult person to be around. Sure, desperation reeks, you have
to hold yourself to higher standards, but that’s all a part of the same
framework.
Show people you
care about making your work the best it can be and you’re willing to do what it
takes, including turning down bad offers as well as compromising, or needling
out the more tedious details.
Passion is contagious,
so let your love for your work show in your dedication and precision.
Keep in mind that
rejection is often more complex than just, “THIS IS TERRIBLE.” It’s possible to
do all of the right things and still get a no. But in a competitive world, it’s
a good idea to show the best parts of yourself, to do what you can to make
people feel like you are competent, dedicated, and pleasant to work with.
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