Me: You have to do something today.
Character: You’re going to have to be more convincing than that.
Me: Get up!
Character: But what’s my motivation? I can’t act without motivation.
Me: Your motivation, MacBeth, is that you’re being a boring ass.
Character: That seems to be a “you” problem.
Me: Get up! We have shit to do!
Character: Like what?
Character: Did you ever feel like that might be your issue? Maybe it’s not me writing your story for you? But you just… I don’t know. Lacking one?
Me: Cram it.
Character: Because if you had a plot—now just hear me out—a decent plot, wouldn’t I want to move forward? Wouldn’t I be propelled to not stand here and do nothing?
Me: I have a plot!
Character: That’s what you said last time. And look what happened.
Me: Evil villain. Taking over the world. Bam.
Character: I hope that was something you just pulled off the top of your head.
Me: I don’t know. He killed your father!
Character: Just watched Star Wars, did we?
Me: You know what I’m talking about. Work with me.
Character: No, I don’t know, actually. I know nothing about the evil villain. I don’t pay attention to politics, and even if I did, his plans are a pretty well-kept secret, aren’t they? You deliberately conceal things from me, and then are surprised I don’t care.
Me: I’m pretty sure you’re just callous.
Character: Nothing I have ever done has indicated I am callous. Standoffish, yes. A megalomaniac, certainly, but if anything, I care too much. And that’s why you like me.
Me: You’re going to be mad when I start working on that other book again.
Character: Like that’s anything new. And that doesn’t bother me, because if I don’t get away from you for a few days, “doing nothing,” is not going to be your problem.
Me: You seem to be deluded about the amount of control you have.
Character: Funny, I was kind of thinking the same thing. Anyway, I think I can solve your problem.
Me: Oh, sure.
Character: A big motivator for me? The real thing that will make me start running?
Me: A fire poker.
Character: Knowing stuff. You might just tell me that something’s going on, and, maybe, just maybe, I’ll do something about it. You think you can handle that?
Character: I know it’s hard…
Me: I’m working on another book.
Character: What?! The one with the stalker?
Me: He’s not a stalker.
Character: Okay. You know what? Fine. Whatever. I’m sure you and “Edward” will be happy together.
Me: Get away from me.
Me: Now. Right now. Go.
Character: I’m gone.
Me: … Annnnnd, I think I might have just gotten an idea.
Character: I doubt it.